I wrote the other day, that I'm in a weird, fairly crappy state. It's getting gradually better. But I was speaking to a close friend about how at times like these it's not that I don't feel like there is anyone there. I know there are people there. It's that I find it hard to appear weak and lay myself bare completely.
I am very often open with a lot of people, often before I even know them well. But somehow, I fall into a situation where I feel I appear as a strong individual, and a capable sort of person. Which is true sometimes, but I also have a weaker side, as does everyone. So when I am in this sort of state, it is hard to express that I am feeling weak, and am very much floundering in a sea of thoughts. I am also really happy too, so sometimes I'm not feeling weak. Weirdness.
I feel like I should pray more. I don't pray very often. But I feel like I should. Know I should even. Like I should tell God how I'm feeling, even though it is already known. I think I struggle with that too. And with laying myself bare to God. I don't think I'm very good at doing it to anyone.
The following are the lyrics of two songs about that very thing - being open to God, especially in times of pain and suffering and emptiness. I like them both. (Note: I am one who often doesn't really connect with Christian music. Well, the Hillsong-esque stuff. It's because, sometimes, I find the lyrics shallow and barely graze the surface of how I, and others, feel about God. I know it's easy to criticise, and anybody could challenge me to write a better song. But the point of this note is, though I sometimes struggle with Christian lyrics, I still like these ones.)
I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true
When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song
Within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forever more
When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call
You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song
Within my heart
I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus, praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord are you there?
When confusion, is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I will praise You, Jesus, praise You"When The Tears Fall", Tim Hughes
Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We've longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And bought our pretty crowns
But never paid the price
Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone and I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river, I'm waiting here
Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We didn't count on suffering
We didn't count on pain
But if the blessing's in the valley
Then in the river I will wait
Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul
laid bare
Even though you're gone and I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the
river, I'm waiting here... for you."Find Me In The River", Delirious?
It can be hard to be honest and open about being weak and the like. I understand how this is hard. I hope you can continue to work through these issues and strengthen your ability to show your nonstrength, If that makes sense. Laying yourself bare is something I, myself have found hard to do all the time, but it is really refreshing when I do do it. I have a meditation thing I know that helps me with that. I will tell it to you one day.
ReplyDeleteI do like those songs, too. I don't think I have heard the River one before, though, but I do like the lyrics. I have also read them before, somewhere else. But I am not sure where.
I find the lyrics to the first song most comforting. For me, it's so refreshing to have a "Christian" song that acknowledges pain and discomfort in life. However it not only reveals these experiences as a reality, but also reminds us that we can still seek God within those troubling times. Questions that can't be answered satisfactorily plague my mind, torment and suffering can be so consuming and yet we rarely openly admit it. I think you'd be interested to read Psalm 88, in it you'll find the words "the darkness is my closest friend" and this poem wrestles (without resolution!) with suffering and pain and attempting to find God in those places. Keep searching...
ReplyDeleteJono: You have heard the River one before. Your sister danced to it at church once. I was actually sitting next to you.
ReplyDeleteLook forward to hearing about your meditation thing. I have my own too.
Sime: Agreed. I will read Psalm 88, to see what it's all about. Shall continue to search.
I do not know what to write.
ReplyDeleteI like Tim Hughes.
Being raw with God can be so... refreshing? Not the word I'm looking for...
Weakness is...ok.
It might sound weird, but I like when I see other people's weaknesses. Not coming from a place of looking down on them, but it reminds me that we are all human, and that I am not the only one who is weak sometimes.
I won't criticize you, I also don't often connect to Hillsong-esque songs unless they are r8 good. There are some good ones in there.
I understand what you mean by refreshing. It pretty much always feels good after I have been, but it generally only happens when I hit rock bottom. Weird?
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't have said r8. I still don't get it.