Saturday, March 24, 2007

Fire. Pt. 2

Tonight I saw Happy Feet at Donny's Free Family Film Night. Twas good, singing and dancing part was really good. Ending wasn't great, but oh well.

Anyway. During interlude, when the kids got asked questions about what had happened in the movie so far, someone decided to walk past me and K and say something about us. It wasn't malicious or anything, but this weak attempt at humour made me so instantly mad, and the fire inside just lit straight away. I said something, not directly to the person, but it was so harsh and bad. I was angry at the person for being stupid, and even angrier at myself for being angry over such a dumb thing.

I hate people saying things they think are amusing about how K and I, or any other couple choose to act in their relationship. We do not blantantly make out in a free film night at a church. Nor do we grope each other and stroke each others faces and whatever the hell else you think would be amusing to exaggeratedly say we are doing. We probably cop one of these comments every few weeks, and each time I struggle to not get fired up. So if you ever plan to do this in the future... think first. Maybe what you're saying is more stupid than witty.

That said, what I fired back was ridiculous, and hurtful, and very very poor. Everybody, I think, is capable of thinking harsh things. A thing that defines us is being able to control the expression of those thoughts, and the self-awareness to even know those thoughts are harsh and not worth thinking or expressing. I am usually able to do this. But then, tonight is an example of one of the downsides of my fire. Release of negative stuff without thought. Bad bad bad.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to voice the things in my head that don't even deserve voicing. And putting an element for my personality as a way of excuse is no... excuse. However, at least this is me being able to express my feelings. Rather than bottle. Because that would only fuel the bad fire more.


  1. hey ben
    its really good that you can admit that you probably didnt handle the situation as best as you could have.. most people probably wouldn't...


  2. Thanks for respect kirsty. Appreciated. Props. ha.

    Yeh I'm glad I could admit it, and I knew straight away what I had done was wrong. But I also knew before I said it, that it would come out bad. Therefore, made me angry at myself. Annoying.

  3. people should butt out. i have experienced these things first hand. and still do. almost everyday with shaun. i dont like it.
    i dont like people that think other peoples lives are there to make fun of. they should take a long hard look at themselves.
    all we can do is learn to control our tempers and not retaliate, or in respect.. be the "bigger" person.
    u are a bigger person.
    keep a cool head fire man.
    i know u can.
    p.s my mum is awesome..

  4. Your mum is a lovely person yes.
    Good luck to you also, being the bigger... man.
    Also, good rhyme at the end.

    It does annoy me that the jokes are so unintelligent. However, I guess that's just the way their mind works, and it is genuinely funny to them. They do need to realise their jokes might be hurtful, haha but I need to maybe wear a muzzle to prevent letting spiteful comments fly out.

  5. I think it's truely awesome, like ahs already been said, that you can admit doing things like this, which a lot of the time maybe I would not. I don't have much else to say. So I won't say much else.

  6. Hmm. I don't want to ever have to admit to doing these things, on account of me not having done them in the first place. That was very Angela Anaconda of me. However, it is true. Sometimes I wish I couldn't speak, or not have the part of me that thinks these cruel things, because it's so unnecessary.

  7. Ben,
    As always your openness and honesty are on display for all to read; this is a positive thing. It is true, that not all we think in our minds should be verbalised but I think to write and unpack these thoughts in a space SOMEWHERE is far better emotionally than not dealing, or denying these feelings. The reality is that we all harbour angst towards people/ideas its just that some people disguise them or worse yet do not even acknowledge these painful feelings. Good on you for being real, it doesn't make your feelings go away but it is a healthy space to be in when you can be up front with YOURSELF. Make sense? Who knows, I'm just typing.
    (Still having trouble with blogger identity GRRRR)

  8. Yeh it makes sense Sime. Thanks for your words of wisdom. I also admire that while everybody does have these feelings, there are people like you who control them very well, as opposed to people like me, who let it slip often.