Saturday, March 17, 2007


Coming home from delivery today, singing to myself as I tend to do. Walk past boy, maybe same age as me, maybe younger. Boy is bit smaller than me, but scrawnier. Kinda like my Garage boys. He stops me.

Boy: What you looking at?
Me: Nothing man.
B: Nah, bull. You were staring at me.
(I had sunglasses on. Take off sunglasses.)
M: Look, I'm going home. I wasn't looking at you, let it go.
B: F**king c**t. You were staring at me. You wanna go me?
M: No. I want to go home. (thought I was clever)
B: Nah let's fight c**t.
M: No let's not. I'll beat you. Sorry if you thought I was looking at you, see you later.
(Put back on sunglasses. Walk away. Boy follows.)
B: Bring it pussy. Fight me.
(Ignore him. Walk about 100 metres on. Boy still following. Still shouting.)
M: Ok. Fine. Let's fight. Come hit me, you can have the first shot.
B: (Standing down the path from me. Would have had to walk towards me for a bit before he hit me, would have looked quite funny.) ... Nah whatever. You're a pussy.
(Boy walks away. I go home.)

That was the most useless part of my day. To make it more interesting, I thought I would rewrite it from different points of view. With a few embellishments...

1) Green Power Ranger. The one that always saves the others in the end.
Coming back to base to meet Zordon, after putting away another over-sized monster, I encountered an evil doer.

Evil Doer: Puny human. I will destroy you.
Me: Not likely Evil Doer. You're going down. It's morphin' time!
(We fight stupidly, waving our arms like we're having a seizure. Everytime a hit is landed, sparks fly. I land a super kick to ED's chest, he flies into a tree. Lightning suddenly shoots down from the sky, hitting ED. He grows monstrous.)
ED: Evil laughter.
Me: Oh no! It's time to summon Megazord!
(Sweet music plays. I get in Megazord. Totally awesome. We battle, crushing a few buildings that nobody will remember later. He is beating me for a while, until I call my super sword. Finally, I destroy the monster.)
Me: Let that be a lesson to all of you evil doers out there.

2) Samurai
Returning home from a long quest involving honour and prosperity, I encounter a villainous fiend.

Villainous Fiend: I have been awaiting you. My name is Betty. Your father is a coward, your mother gives birth to cowards and I'm better than your whole family at maths.
Me: You have dishonoured my family! We must fight to the death.
(Both of us fly into the nearby trees, fighting each other with swords. Lots of wind. Lots of leaves flying around. Some sort of flute music. Betty flies to nearby lake. I follow. Somehow we manage to quickly run across the water.)
Betty: Mmm... impressive Striking Dragon. You have mastered the Venomous Toad attack, but can you take my Three Point Tiger Claw? Also, what is 82 X 914?
(Waves arms around. Mysteriously swishes hair from over his face. Flies towards me.)
Me: Phoenix Wing attack! 74948!
(Flap my arms like I'm flying. Twirl around fancily. Knock out Betty. Betty slowly dies. )
Me: I have returned honour to my family. I have proved my superiority of the art of fighting and mathematics. Farewell.

I was going to write one as in "What Would Jesus Do"? It was hard. I'll work on it, but for now, I challenge you to try and write that one. Whether you know stuff about the Bible or not.


  1. Ha ha! Love it. You still need to do pokemon version, also. Then elemental version. You are Fire, and the bad guy is your evil nemesis, un-fire.

  2. 'Boy' is so annoying! Ahh, so many people like that at school.

    It would be interesting to know what goes on in your crazy brain.

  3. Jono: Shall work on Pokemon version. Or even write another boring part of my day to that. Element too. Elephants Three.

    Em: Boy is stupid. Boy got his bum kicked by my ultra megazord. My craziness is so awesome. Ha. But I find that someone like you would also be able to think like me. Hence, being chosen for Varytales. Which needs updating.

  4. Ha, but I do not hold the power of updatement of VaryTales.

  5. "But, isn't Betty a woman's name?"