This is not a blog about burnouts in cars. Screeching rubber on tar. No.
This week I've felt so tired. Annoyed. Angry. I'm sick of doing things, sick of being in charge of stuff, sick of organising, sick of leading, sick of all of it.
I want to step back and just let it happen. Some part of me is still stuck thinking that the world will not go on without my part in it. A very arrogant part of me. Of course it will, just differently. Possibly better. Maybe my part isn't necessary at all.
It saddens me that I have so much fire for all these things, yet at the same time, I just want to not feel obligated to heal the world. I tend to take on the problems of others as my own. I want to heal my friends, family, country, world. But it's not my fight. I just try to make it mine.
This is a major downside of me having that theoretical Fire element. I burnout. Lots. Pretty soon, unless I work a way out of this, this fire of mine will be put out. Extinguished. Gone.
People always tell me that it's ok to be selfish. To think about myself once in a while. But I don't want to. I think it's just because the word 'selfish' is so negative. Maybe if a different word is used. But I don't know what. Probably the best advice I've ever been given while in one of these moods was last year, by my headmaster. He's pretty much Dumbledore. He asked me if I believed in Jesus. To which I said yes, I am often known to do so. Sometimes doubt. Well Dumbledore says, "You need to remember: Even Jesus got close to burning out. When he got tired, had enough, he simply stopped. He stopped talking to the people, stopped the miracles, went up the mountain. He prayed, meditated, talked to God, thought to himself, whatever he did up there was for his time alone. He knew that whatever he was on earth to do, and it was a greater deed than anything you can do, could wait until he was better to do it. For if you are not physically and mentally energised, you are useless to the world. Maybe you need to find your mountain."
Maybe I do. Maybe I need to go find my Everest. (Clever tie-in of title? Yep.) Maybe I just need hibernation. Or a time machine.
12 years ago
deep.
ReplyDeletenot commenting,
as have nothing appropriate to say.
other than what i said the other day
ill hibernate with u.
because that means a lot of food.
and warmth.
i wish u werent burnt out.
i wish u were talking about a car
xx
Very clever tie-in of title indeed.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I went through this sort of thing late last year (and still am, though not as bad) it's hard.
I just got sick of everything, I wanted to tell everyone to get screwed while I did whatever I wanted and relaxed.
Seeing as how you're fire, and you don't want to burn out... What does fire need to survive?
Oxygen, fuel, and heat.
I'm not sure what your oxygen, fuel, and heat is, but maybe you need more of it/your Everest.
Ben, you're an amazing furnace that I could not bear to see put out. As a fire, you provide warmth to countless people, and I'm notsaying you need to even do anything to make this so. It naturally happens. A fire will never be put out unless everybody leaves the fire to fizzle out on its own. If there are people sitting around that fire, pushing it through those struggling (raining) times, it will never be put out. I know that there are many people sitting around your fire at the moment, me included. Don't forget that.
ReplyDeletei also, am sitting around this fire.
ReplyDeletexx
Em W: Tis annoying. But I'm gettin by. Perhaps I do need to find my oxygen and fuel. But the things that fuel me - inspiration, passion for stuff.. that's what's burning me out!
ReplyDeleteJono: Thank you Jono. That was such a good comment, and made me feel warm and fuzzy. Even though it's not on fuzzypad. I'm glad to have people like you around this fire. However, this fire also often thinks that sometimes the people around have forgotten to stock up the fire, and are just taking from it's warmth. Sometimes, I feel like there's way too many people taking from my fire, and not helping me keep going. Not necessarily you, don't take it as an attack.
Em P: Thank you. I appreciate it. See my reply to Jono's comment for more.