Sunday, April 08, 2007


It's Easter, and once again, I find myself fairly apathetic and empty as to my feelings on Christianity. On arguably the greatest holiday in Christian tradition, I feel no different than I do all year round. This could be seen as a good thing - as if I'm immersed in the faith always - but it's not. Because I'm not always into my faith.

I felt this way last year, but then just when Easter was almost over, I had a revelation. This is what I wrote on my old blog:

It's really late. I should be in bed. But I just watched 'The Passion of the Christ' and I felt like writing.

This Easter, I haven't really been thinking a lot about Jesus, or the story of Easter. I was thinking earlier on Easter Sunday... "Does it make me a bad person because I am not excited about Easter?" I started thinking that maybe it's not right to just really remember and celebrate on Easter and Christmas, because that's not what the message is about. It is about a life devoted to Christ, not two days. Even sitting in church, I did not feel overwhelmed as I have at other times. It is not until now that I feel it.

It was actually a whole lot of other stuff that has got me really focused right now. First off, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in a week and a half, and it is a reminder to me of the things I have been given - things that I never did anything to deserve. Why is it I am where I am, and not an orphaned child in a Third World country with one of many available diseases? Is it luck? Is it by chance that I did not end up there, but in a well-off house in Australia - what we would call 'middle-class' - but would be like royalty to the Third World? I don't believe that I could be so lucky. This is what has got me excited.

Secondly, in 'The Passion of the Christ' it was not the extremity of the depiction of Jesus' suffering - the screams, the jeering, the blood, the nails, the hammers - that was not what reminded me what I believe. I will never know the true pain that Jesus felt, and I might almost say that I could not understand how much he suffered for me. I can worship and I can pray and I can go to church on Sundays and call myself a Christian child, but I will not know completely how great a sacrifice He made. Being a Christian isn't about knowing. It's about believing - about having faith. It's about giving yourself to something that you honestly believe in - and from a spectator's angle, that must sound so stupid - because I can't prove it, I can't make you believe it, I can only share with you what I feel. No, it was not the pain that hit me from the movie. Along his journey to Golgotha, the place of the crucifixion, a dude named Simon from Cyrene carried the cross for Jesus. He didn't really want to, he was just passing by. But he made sure that he told the crowd and the guards, "Hear me now. I am an innocent man carrying the burden for a condemned man..." And then it hit me. It's really the other way round. What did Jesus do really? He broke a few rules, and who can ever say they haven't? But He was not deserving of such a death - the death reserved for the lowest of lowly criminals - yet He choose to take the road, to 'carry the burden' for us condemned ones. This is what has got me excited.

I am where I am today because of a lot of things - my parents, my school, my friends, the social environment I live in, this country, the economy, etc. - but I am not completely the person I am today because of these things. I do the things I do, think the way I think, I live the way I live... all because there is something else influencing me. I don't need proof. I don't need facts. I don't need evidence. I have experienced the impact that God can have on people, and it is an awesome one. Even if He didn't exist, who could discredit the great things people have done because they believe? This is what has got me excited. I have been welcomed into something that is far greater than everyday life. I have been saved. We have been saved. Happy Easter.

I wish I had this much passion all the time. I felt so convinced, so convicted, so enlightened when I wrote that. I wish it was a constant feeling. Truth is, I'll always question my faith, I'll always argue and struggle with it, I can't expect to always have these revelations - because that would be like having a faith based on expected miracles. I guess if I want to have revelations and have my eyes open, I have to be actively searching.

I want to feel as excited and energised about Easter as others, but I can't just force myself to be, or act it. However, for now... I still haven't found what I'm looking for. But I'm not done looking just yet.


  1. I didn't want to take away from the seriousness of the post by editing this at the bottom, so I'm leaving it in a comment. Yes, I was up late when I wrote this. But, by coincidence, it is 1.23 am. 123. If you aren't amused... banished.


  2. I'm amused by 123. But not as much as if it were 11:11 pm. I hate that time, it scares me.

    Anyway, I like the psot you made a year ago, and I hope you can find some more passion again soon. Sorry, I hope you can find more passionfruit soon. I almost agree with the way you feel about Easter, in that I'm never overly excited about it either. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure if it's a bad thing or a good thing.

  3. I am glad you are amused. Yeh I was really proud of what I'd written, and of myself because I believed what I wrote. That's why I am annoyed at not being able to feel like that often.

    It's hard not to get swept along in the excitement of Christmas, but Easter is just as important, and it just doesn't get me. Or I don't get it.

  4. Know the feeling. I've hardly thought at all this Easter about what it actually means, and it makes me feel selfish because I've just been wrapped up in my own thoughts about homework, chocolate, myself, and everything else. I didn't go to church at all, which isn't my doing, but maybe if I'd gone I would have thought more, reflected, had a revelation like you did. Then again, I suppose I shouldn't confine these sort of things to church... I'm rambling now.

  5. And I am amused at 123.
    Sometimes the clock is 11:11 like Jono said, but that time doesn't scare me, it amuses me.
    I often look at the clock when it's 9:11. That scared me, because it happened a lot right after 9/11.

  6. It's not really what I wrap myself up in, because I still know it's Easter, and what Easter is really about. I just don't get excited about it. And I'm not that excited about Christianity all the time. Just know I enjoy doing stuff involving it. And yes. Church is not the home of revelations. Should it even be the home of Christianity?

  7. Hmm.... no.

    In a way, yes, the Church I think is a vital part of Christianity.
    But I don't mean, church as a building you go to every Sunday and talk about God, I believe in more of a community of other Christians who you can learn from and teach, and build each other up.
    I think it's a very important foundation of Christianity, but I also think that we need to go out into the world... like beach mission, but that's sorta the best of two worlds.

    Am I explaining correctly?

  8. Yes, the community is vital. Very important to the growth of faith.

    Also, mission stuff is important, but I see flaws in Beach Mission. It's not the best of worlds for me. Some stuff is that sometimes, it looks like we just took a Christian community, and moved it to the beach. It seemed that we got a lot more out of team than we did out of serving, and I think that we lost the focus of Beach Mission a bit in that.

    Going out into the world, but going with lots of people you feel safe with, then staying in that safety area, means you haven't really gone far at all.

    Controversial yes. But it's truth to me.

  9. Don't get me wrong. I also loved Beach Mission. I just saw flaws in the way we were, and the way we presented ourselves to non-Christians.

  10. I do see where you're coming from.
    Prererhaps (Ahh, dyslexia!) it's somthing that can be changed, with beach mission, beach mission is really quite old, and traditional in some respects, maybe it's about time there was a change in that. The world changes, why shouldn't beach mission? Maybe even you could bing about this change. Talk to Mr. Directorial?

    I think I'm still in the go-into-the-world-but-with-people-you-feel-safe-with area, maybe I should change that? I think it may take a while, but I'm not quite confident enough to just go... but maybe it's not about confidence... maybe it's about faith and other such stuff. Once again, am I making sense? I say maybe alot.

  11. Maybe is a great philosophical tool. It lets you express possibilities without being adamant of one thing, and getting you into trouble.

    I feel reservation about only having been at Beach Mission once, and instantly pointing out flaws and wanting to change the entire thing. It seems like arrogance to me. However, it is also the reason why I am feeling reservations about coming back.. because there were quite a few things that severely irritated me about it too. I think they conflict with what I believe in.

  12. Go ahead and point out any flaws you want to, it doesn't sound arrogant to me. I've grown up with beach mission, so I probably have quite a different view of it than you do, and I like to hear what others think.
    In fact, you should blog about it, maybe, keyword.
    Maybe there are a lot of things that not only you feel are flaws, I could point out some myself, but I would probably go into people more than beach mission itself, but beach mission is run by people, therefore, any flaws are the faults of humans. Anyway, maybe there are some things that can be changed about beach mission, if we all keep quiet then nothing will ever happen.

  13. Yes. Many at beach mission seem very in love with it, whereas and new person like me finds it very easy to see the flaws. According to me that is.

    I will blog again one day, when I come to face the decision on whether or not to come back on Beach Mission.