Bacon

I'm at home today, working on many an assignment. To cheer myself up, I did a bit more investigation on the strange phenomenon of people wanting bacon in things that really don't need it. Remember our bacon-chocolate bar? It turns out that was only the delicate chocolate layer on this growing pig-flavoured freakshow.

First off, we have this: Maple Bacon Morning coffee. From the creators: "Embark on a smooth sail each morning with this breakfast flavored coffee. The taste of sweet maple and smoky bacon blend perfectly to create a hearty start to your day." I don't think it's so much a hearty start to your day, as a heart-attacky start to your day. I've never put maple syrup on bacon. I certainly have never woken up and thought, "Damn. I haven't got time for the usual breakfast of maple syrup on bacon, but I need to feel like I'm getting just as much grease in my diet. What ever can I do?"

And, of course, why would you be needing such a big wake up in the morning? Because you got ridiculously smashed the night before on Bacon-Flavoured Vodka. That's right, you irresponsible alco you. I actually don't understand why people love bacon things so much.

The last site I put up also has its own archive of bacon flavoured things. Bacon cupcakes, bacon candy, bacon lollipops, bacon cigarette papers, bacon bubbles, bacon wrapped in bacon, bacon apple pie, bacon cookies, bacon hair conditioner, bacon breath mints (sure to attract the ladies), they even have a bacon suit - oh don't worry, it isn't made of bacon, it just looks and smells like it... which is so much better. It's like Bubba from Forrest Gump gave up on the shrimp business and moved into the obviously booming bacon industry.

You know when you say or write a word too many times, and it begins to feel like you're saying a word that doesn't exist? It's like you've reached the max quota of times you can use that word ever. Well bacon is definitely out of my vocabulary now. It doesn't even look recognisable as a word to me anymore.

So, what can we summarise from today's lesson? There are a lot of unhealthy bacon lovers out there... and I just wasted an hour of my time. I need a strong drink. Maybe some vodka, but it would need a little something extra...