Posted on behalf of MJ Waters...

All Matt's blogs are now up. I've been a bit slow, since I half type a few of them as soon as I get them, but then get distracted. But there's three new ones up so make sure you have a read.

Also, I stopped doing "What Matt Really Meant..." because 1) I didn't want to demean all the stuff he was writing, since it was a positive experience in his life, and 2) I was also lazy.

Matt comes home today! What a winner.

What Matt Really Meant #2

Firstly, Happy Chinese New Year! Here's to a disease-filled Year of the Rat. What a stupid animal to have a year after. Why not, say, a unicorn? Also, no I will not share my money packets with you. Back off ratface.

Now, onto business. Matt's second army blog is up, so... (cue awesome guitar solo/theme song) [sorry for being so slow]

"What Matt Really Meant":

Initiation week is over. It was like being in those frat initiations you see on tv. Walking on glass, getting paddled on the bum, playing dressups with the sargeant. You know the drill. Teehee, I'm so humorous. We get told a heck of a lot of information over short periods of time and are expected to use it straight away. This is done either in practical lessons or lectures - sound familiar to all you uni attendees? (PS. I couldn't resist... VVVVT VVVVT VVVVT) The big difference is that I'm at work 6am - 10pm, with very little time to sleep on the grass/couch. No, this isn't even a shot at Ben Chong and his awesome uni life. I am not jealous at all of his common room or lawn.

As a platoon we have been working hard on our marching and we are getting very close. Sometimes, if one person is really homesick or upset, we hold him till he sleeps. It's the right thing to do. PS WE HAVE JUST BEEN ISSUED OUR GUNS! WINWINWINWINWIN. We are starting to do more physical work, and I threw up on our first training session, all over Sarge. There were no dressups that night.

Things are going good here. When you're throwing up it feels like forever and is the worst thing in the world, but when you look back on it, it wasn't so bad. The worst part of the day is waking up at 6am and finding Bubba staring at me. I hate it but hopefully I will get more used to it.

All in all, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be, but now it's gotten more physical - in training and in the dorms - it's getting slightly tougher.

Hope all is going well for everyone else.

Peace and love from your gun-toting friend. Bang bang bang.

Wisdom

I have officially been robbed of my wisdom. The teeth are all out and my face is fatter than a blowfish. Also, my cheeks and half of my tongue are numb. Finally, I have some bizarre strap thing over my head with ice packs at the cheeks. I could not look more attractive right now. Besides the fully-inflatable face, I am feeling better than a bear just out of hibernation, without the winter's worth of crap piled up behind me*. It actually feels like I've been sleeping for a few years. General anaesthetic is now in my top 20 favourite things, amongst Spongebob and glowsticks.

I can only eat yoghurt, ice cream, baby food and jelly; which isn't so bad. I can blend stuff if I really want to, but can I be bothered blending a steak? No. I'll stick to my baby food, thank you very much. Plus, you can keep popping the bit on the lid until it irritates everybody else in the house.

On another note, today is the start of Lent. For Lent, I'm giving up something, but I'm not telling anyone yet. I haven't decided if I will afterwards. I'm also taking up writing things that I am grateful for on a daily basis. The reasons is that I realised a few weeks ago that I am a pretty cynical, sarcastic, complaining person sometimes. I don't really have a right to be, because I have a pretty good life. This is clearly illustrated in yesterday's rant, when I couldn't even come up with three things to complain about. So from now on, I'll be blogging those things at this link, hopefully on a daily basis***.

Stay tuned for tomorrow when, hopefully, the next installment of "What Matt Really Meant" will be up.

* I had a thought once about hibernation. It was this: What happens with all the poo? Surely it's not held in all winter, and I refuse to believe it just piles up there. Do they sleep at the top of a slide, so that it all shoots down and out of their cave? Or... on a more extreme level... what if they sleep in a circle, so that they poo... into another bear's mouth, and then the cycle continues? I'm pretty sure that's what happens. I'm going to try and write that on Wikipedia**.

** Didn't bother. Pretty sure I'd fail.

*** Credit to Em for inspiring part of the idea of a daily blog list thingo.

Running Waters/What Matt Really Meant #1

Hoorah! Matt Waters' blog is re-born! Namely, I just posted a blog on his behalf. For the rest of the year, while MW is off being a soldier in the Australian Defence Force, he will be sending me blogs through SMS, which I will then post on his blog. Make sure to stay tuned to all his shenanigans in the army at waterspiel.blogspot.com

In addition, on this blog, I will begin commentating his blogs. He also knows about this and endorses it. So, with no more delay, here is the first edition of "What Matt Really Meant":

I'm completely scared. I've actually already changed my underwear three times today. Sitting on the bus, there is a sense of foreboding; but more overpowering is the smell of my pants. This is the beginning of some tough work, but what should be very rewarding in the end. I just hope I don't die after a week. Tonight will be my first night in 19 years without my comfort blanket. Pray for me. At the moment it's feeling a lot like a school excursion: everyone on a bus, all excited for what's going to happen when we get to our destination, and me... down the back, with stained pants. I'll probably update once or twice more, and then give up again. I'm so scared.

Exhilirating stuff. Will Matt survive without his blankie? Will he become a stronger man... with a stronger bladder? Will he be drafted instead to the navy and revive the Village People? Find out next time on "What Matt Really Meant".

PS. I'm in the process of labelling everything. Be patient.