Half-Yearly

We're not exactly half way through the year, but here's some stuff I've been thinking about.

I've halfway through my course! That's crazy man.

Life is awesome. I'm pretty sure that now I write that, I'll become more aware of something crap, but that's ok. God and people around me (familiar and strange) have always gotten me through.

Africa Aid, Elev8, everything are whipping me in meetings, work, planning, etc. I love it. I'm tired. I'm excited.

I'm also excited to be starting boxing on Friday. Since it's a trial first, I'm hoping that it's fun and challenging and that we can keep on doing it. Otherwise, we'll just move on to something else.

I've also been playing lots of basketball lately with little brother. We ball hard... / pretend.

I have watched listened to this song four times straight. Haha, twice on MySpace, twice on YouTube. Awesome? I think you'll agree. It makes me want to have another crack at guitar and song writing. See below below below.

I ran a Veta session on Monday that, apart from being an awesome meal together that we all cooked dishes for, had a great sharing environment for open and honest discussion of our years so far. I asked three questions: "What has been a highlight for the year?", "What is something you've been struggling with?", and "What is something you're looking forward to?" I can't remember my answers, so here are new answers.

1) I've got lots of highlights. I'm very thankful for the healing of my skin.

The new challenges in the things I do, especially of Africa Aid, have been really rewarding when achieved, and just makes me more excited to tackle the next. Of course, I get tired, but that just leads to another highlight - the continual support, encouragement and love shown to me by my family, friends, K, and all others in my life.

I'm also starting to think seriously about music again (or probably, for the first time), and I'm motivated to try and become a better musician because I want to make something beautiful, not because I want to impress or anything other pretentious feelings I might have had in the past. Besides, what I can do isn't really that impressive.

Finally, last year didn't end on a great note in terms of some friendships in my life, but this year has been full of new friendships or growing of some into even more meaningful and valuable parts of my life.

2) I told my Veta group that I've been struggling with fear. I think it's more like insecurity. I get so caught up in doing things and taking on projects that I forgot my limits and capabilities. I like to think I'm a fairly capable individual, but I can't be so ignorant as to think I can do everything. I need people. Other people do things better than me. Unfortunately, in the midst of organising, planning, stressing, I forget to delegate or ignorantly/arrogantly think that if I don't do something, it won't get done; or that if I let someone else do it, it won't be done well. So, I stress and take on stuff, and then what I fear is that I won't be able to reach the goals that I set. Realistically, if I trust my teams and support, who are all awesome people that, when I think about it in this frame of mind, would definitely be able to take on those projects...we could do really great things. Much bigger than what we're aiming at now... But let's not get ahead of ourselves. So. Trust. Fear. Insecurity.

Also, I get annoyed at catching up with friends. I'm crap at it. Because there is a group of friends that I see on a regular basis, it's easy to become complacent and not try hard with the others. Then I get discouraged if I do try to organise something and whoever I'm trying to meet cancels or isn't free, etc. It's irrational. I need to be better at it.

As I wrote in 'Vocation', I have been thinking on and off about how much I have to give up or need to sacrifice to be able to properly serve God and people. Perhaps it's not that I have to give up everything, but I think it's an indicator of my consciousness telling me that I'm probably spending too much time and money thinking about material things that aren't really necessary. This year I've come into more money than previously and it seems to disappear so easily. Even if I don't give up everything, I should make sure I control myself and keep my irrational desires in check.

3) I'm looking forward to the Philippines. I know my eyes will be opened, I know I'll be challenged, I know I'll get angry, I'll be inspired, I'll be hurt. It'll be good for me and I'm also looking forward to spending time with the team.

I'm starting to read more and write more, like I used to, and I love it.

I look forward to sport, because I miss it and it makes me happy.

I'm looking forward to growing more relationships and meeting more people, especially at uni.

Red Frogs will be interesting.

Summer. I'm hoping that all the hype I built up in my head of freedom when I got my license will actually somewhat exist. Ha.

So that's that. I'd love to know your answers on highlights, struggles, points to look forward to. Hope your 2008 is going great, that you're able to tackle your challenges as they come, and that the rest of the year will be beautiful. Peace.

Vocation

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, as part of my new attempt at scheduling in TAWG (Time alone with God) in my life, amongst other things. One of the things that keeps coming up is vocation. Now I like to think that I'm pretty sure what I want to do with my life - and that's work out who I am and what it means to live how God intended me to. I don't stress heaps over what job I'm going to end up in, and that hasn't bothered me for a long time. Of course, there are jobs I would like to do, but ultimately, it's because of what I think my vocation in life is.

I feel called to give up things for others, to serve others and be lower than them. I feel that's just the way it should be for me. I feel a particular pull towards issues of poverty and injustice, and feel like I not only should, but can, and was meant to be doing something about that. Not solving it, but adding my effort. I don't want to be defined by my actions, but by the motives I had to do them. Sometimes I do get a case of the 'wanting attention for doing good stuff', but I mostly do it because I want to show love and care.

Where am I going with all this? Well, the people who's vocations I've been reading about scare me in how far they threw themselves in the deep end. People like Rosa Parks or Mother Teresa. The latter is the one I read today. At the age of 18, she got the feeling that she should be doing something with the poor, and she was called towards India. So she left her family - never to see her mother again - and just moved. She didn't even speak the language or have any training. Then after living in the nunnery, she decided it was time for the next step, and moved to the streets. She did things nobody else in the church would do, like begging for clothes, medicine, money, all to give to the poor ones around her. How do you have that much faith that God is telling you something? That what you think you're hearing is right? What if you're wrong?

I feel called to the poor. I still feel like I'm not doing enough. At Surrender last year, I was really challenged because we were hearing from people who have given up everything to go be with the poor and live like them, in order to help them side-by-side. I felt I was so far away from this, because I still worry about clothes and other material things, and spend my money carelessly. I was challenged once again on Sunday, when at Vetamorphus we were discussing why Jesus spoke so much about wealth and money. I think it was because he knew how much humans would obsess over it, and that it would be a major obstacle in them coming to know him. The passages that have always been confronting are ones like the Rich Young Man, when he's told to give up everything, or the man who keeps a little bit for himself instead of giving it to the apostles to distribute as needed, and ends up dying. What does this say about how I'm supposed to live?

If my vocation dictates (as far as I can tell), that I am to help the poor, I think I need to break free of the shallowness and humiliation (on my behalf) of having to stop living the way I live, and using my money wiser and only as needed, and use the rest to help others. It's extreme. It means I won't be able to do lots of things I'd like to do personally. I don't know where to draw the line and it's scary. I don't know how to have that much faith in something. It's something that I've become so good at procrastinating over, I barely think of it, until that once in a while that it comes back and hits me in the face. Each time it's stronger, and this time it's massive. So where to from here? I have no idea. Feel very, very confused at the moment. I am inspired though, and even if I don't go to that extreme (yet), I can start making smaller steps towards getting there.