Stray

This is a pointless post. But I'm doing it to pass the time. You see, it is 1:32 AM and I can't sleep. It's been like this the last few days. Why? Because there is this sound outside, and it involves cats.

Now. The sound, which is a long, moaning, wailing sound, almost like a baby crying (except more cat-like), is either:
a) A cat being slowly and terribly killed.
b) A cat giving birth. Slowly and terribly. Possibly being killed at the same time.
c) Two cats having sex. And apparently not terribly.

According to mum, it might be cat mating season, therefore it's probably c). This means that for the past three nights, two stray cats have chosen our backyard for their rendezvous point.

What do I do? Should I:
a) Charge other cats admission to watch?
b) Put up posters promoting safe feline sex?
c) Call cat police and tell them? And then charge them admission to watch?
d) Interrupt their fun and chase them away?

It would seem cruel for me to choose d). After all, they're only human feline. But I do really need my sleep. Maybe I'll put up a scare-cat.

Well, that passed five minutes. Hopefully it'll stop soon. Wait. It just did. One cat just squealed. I think they knocked a pot over, or something just broke. Looks like they were rough tonight. I wish my dog was still around.

Angels

There's no one in town that I know,
You gave us some place to go,
I never said thank you for that,
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
Now I'll never have the chance.

May angels lead you in,
Hear you me my friends,
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go,
May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
Now I'll never have the chance.

May angels lead you in,
Hear you me my friends,
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go,
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in...

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one last time,
A song for a heart so big,
God couldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in,
Hear you me my friends,
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go,
May angels lead you in.

"Hear You Me", Jimmy Eat World

Follow-Up

I didn't know how to follow up the last post. It was an emotional thing for me to do, and I didn't know how to post something else without taking away from that. The thanksgiving service is on Friday. Maybe I'll feel something by then, because it's fairly emptiness/numbness at the moment. I don't know what I want to write. So I won't write anything, except this:

I found this video. I haven't seen it since I was really young, and I remember I loved it and used to run to the tv to watch it. If only things were still that simple. For Jono, Matt, and everybody else who remembers how cool the song is, and sings with me.

Letter

My maths teacher of four years died last night. She was one of my favourite teachers ever. She was good to me, better than most teachers. She cared about stuff that happened to me, outside maths and homework and exams. When Mum and Dad hit a rough spot, she talked to me. When I had my own problems with other stuff, she'd make time to sit down and chat. When I was struggling with work, she'd find time to come and help me. She always asked about Africa Aid events, and when she could come see them, and she would always give us lots of money, any time I had a tin in the classroom.

She told the best stories. We'd have so many classes where the work got too hard, so we'd ask abstract questions about life and see if it got her started. Once she did, she would not stop till the bell, and we knew there would be no work that day. We also wanted to hear them though, because she would make us laugh, and be interested, and want to be in class all the time. Even though it was the hardest class, she helped make Spec. Maths one of the best last year.

In fourth term, she left us. With her leukemia playing up, she was checked into hospital, and I never saw her again. She was too sick for us to send flowers or cards, because they might contaminate her. We felt compelled to work harder and try harder, because she'd put so much belief and hard work into us, that she deserved our good results more than we did. We got reports after exams, that she was better and planning a holiday to Tasmania.

Before she left, Mrs. Kjar told us we were one of her favourite classes ever, even though she'd been at Trinity for decades. She told us how much it would mean to her if we wrote her a letter, telling her our results and plans for the future, when we were finished school and moving on in the world. I never wrote that letter. I don't know how I feel. Even though she's gone, I'm going to write it now.

Dear Mrs. Kjar,

Thank you for being so good to me, through everything I've dealt with the last few years. You were someone I knew I could always come to, who would have an ear for me, and a heart too. I learnt lots of things from you, and maths is probably low on that list.

Thank you for your honesty, your care, your love, your patience, for everything. Thank you for believing I could finish up with maths, even when I wanted to quit. Thank you for caring enough to ask how I was going, even if you didn't know there was something going on. Thank you for giving up time for me. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for inspiring me.

I'm sorry you will never get this letter. I don't know how to sum up how I feel or how grateful I am to you. This letter will never be able to do that. I could write another hundred. They still won't add up. I wish I even knew what to say. But for now. Just. Thank you. You made a big impact on my life, and so many others in the world. I was blessed to know you. You will never be forgotten.

Goodbye Mrs. Kjar. God Bless You.

Love,

Ben

Free. Simple.

Today is a good day for many reasons. It's only 2:15, but I am happy and relaxed. More than in recent times. I am a person of not drastically fluctuating emotions, but I have the occasional very high point, and fairly low point. Today is a very high point.

I started off early. Got up, exercised, played piano, sang. Things that make me happy. I sent a message to K, because today is an anniversary for us. I also got to see her last night, which is always an uplifting event. Then, driving to uni, I had a good philosophical chat with DB (Driving Buddy), who I've only become friends with this year. I really enjoy our chats, because they range from all sorts of nonsense to things of real substance, and because they're always honest and open.

At uni, I got good marks back from an essay I did in German, and afterwards hung out in the sunshine playing frisbee with new uni friends. Also fun. I'm really glad I've met new people who are so cool, there have been quite a few good new friends in my life this year - in and out of uni. Later, DB, one of new uni friends and I went to visit COLD ROCK! The greatest ice creamery in history. Basically, if you've never been... you choose from all sorts of different ice creams you may have never seen anywhere else... and then add different 'mixers', like nuts, marshmallows, wizzfizz, chocolates, toppings, etc.... and then they smash it all together, and you have the greatest ice cream you will ever eat. Today I was mature... and had choc-mint/bubblegum with nuts.

My happy place.

However, the highlight of our ice cream party was not my choc-mint/bubblegum with nuts. It was meeting an old man, who was very much like Forrest Gump. So I'll call him Forrest. He was a really genuine, nice man, who just started talking to us about peanut butter, which turned into honey, which turned into the country, which turned into beaches, which turned into his children...the navy... farming...a lake near Ballarat...where he lived...his son's failure to get a degree...some guy with lots of guns in his truck...etc. Most of his stories didn't end, but he was interesting, and loved telling us, total strangers, about his life. I quite enjoyed hearing it. Anyway, he walked out with us, and before saying goodbye, he stopped and told us to get our degrees, or if we didn't do that, to find something we love and do that. As long as we were happy. And that he wished us good, safe, happy lives. Pretty much, Forrest was one of the best elderly people I've ever met. He was a fairly simple guy, but simple is good. He seemed very free, very happy. It's sort of infectious.

After dropping uni friend off, DB and I came home, singing to Donavon Frankenreiter and Jack Johnson. Good, relaxed, appropriate music for such a sunny, awesome day. DB and I talked about relationships, etc. and how we appreciate simpler things and signs that you care, rather than presents or spent money. I think that K and I have that. DB was also talking about being frustrated at having to go to work, but more frustrated that they were complaining about having a job, when so many didn't. I don't really have a job, but relating that to other stuff, I don't have much to complain about. Life is, although sometimes stressful, really good for me. I'm alive, healthy, have a house, friends, family, money. I shouldn't be so naive as to think all this happiness can come without a little negative, to balance it up. After all, if all I had was good, I'd think it was just average and want better stuff. Also, there might be rules and laws I have to abide by in this life, but I'm very free to do what I want, if I'm willing to do what it takes to get it. I sound cliche but I really don't care, because I believe this.

So there it is. Things I'm thankful for:

• Beautiful weather
• Uni - education, opportunities, new friends
• K
• Privileges in my life
• Music
• Cold Rock
• Forrest
• Simplicity
• Freedom

That about wraps it up. After struggling with all that frustration and loserish-stuff, I'm happy. Very. That stuff will come back, but for now, I'm free of it. It can just go burn in a hole somewhere.

Here's one of the songs we were listening to. I think it's appropriate...not really the standard surf video, but the song is awesome. "Free" - Donavon Frankenreiter, feat. Jack Johnson.

Art

Ahem. This is not a post. Emillyyyyy Wood suggested I post this beautiful drawing I drew on msn. After she accused me of being a tree hugger. Awesome?

Frustration

I. am. frustrated.

Yesterday's Garage wasn't the greatest start to the term. We now only have an hour to operate in, and it wasn't enough time, so we had to cut the program down. Several boys/behaviour were a struggle, and it's annoying because I also like these boys. I get along with all of them outside the Garage, but when it comes to the program, I wish sometimes that some of them weren't there. Which is harsh and unfair. But yes. Garage made me angry. We also had a new boy, who I'd talked up the Garage to, and told him it would be more exciting and fun than the usual kids stuff at church. Pretty much didn't back that up.

Also. I got on the bus to uni today. 1 hour 15 mins. Get to Monash. All the buildings have no lights or anything. Walk around, try to find out what's going on. Nothing. Call someone. "Uni's been cancelled, the power's out, so you can just go home!" Well. I wasn't as excited. Why? Because I had to walk back to the bus-stop, get the loop bus that passes through Forest Hill and irritates me. A further 1 hour 25 minutes. On the packed bus, loser people who put their bags on one seat, and their feat on another, meaning they take up three seats. Totally wanted to break their legs and throw their bags out of the bus. Irrational? Pfft. Total time wasted = 3.5 hours. Anger.

I'm also. sick. of. chasing people up and making sure they've done stuff. It stresses me out. Far out, I hate complaining and writing about my anger and such. It makes me feel and seem like a whinger. But at least I'm not bottling it. But yes. Maybe another burnout is coming up, sooner than expected.

30 Things I Miss About Primary School

1. Dressup days - as your favourite book character, football player, movie star, nursery rhyme, list goes on.
2. Moo milk.
3. Yogo.
4. How whenever there was a dressup day, you also got lunch - pie and moo milk. But there were always a few who would go for pasties, and I would always wonder what the hell a pastie was, and think it was some sort of snobbery of pies.
5. Lava tanbark.
6. Not having stuff that I missed. Unless, I didn't get to see Cheez TV that morning.
7. Cheez TV.
8. Agro's Cartoon Connection.
9. My wicked combover, and then stage of forgetting I had hair.
10. Being the fastest kid in the playground.
11. Being smallest, and also strongest. Hooray for gymnastics.
12. Doing gymnastics tricks for show and tell.
13. Show and tell in general.
14. Readers.
15. Being able to just go up to people I didn't know, and start talking to them, because we were sharing a playground. There was no concept of social standings or awkwardness.
16. Super cool novelty socks.
17. Three breaks - playtime, lunchtime, mini-playtime.
18. The whole class playing tiggy together.
19. All the different types of tiggy.
20. Not thinking tiggy was a silly word, and being unashamed to say amongst friends, "I know! Let's play tiggy!"
21. Art smocks. Dinosaur ones.
22. Weekly trips to the library.
23. The librarians.
24. Rounders. And the teachers who decided they didn't want to teach after lunchtime, so we went and played more rounders.
25. That we didn't have bells to start and end class. Instead they played music, and people sang along to whatever was on.
26. Taking any song, and replacing all nouns with poo, bum or wee, and thinking it was the most awesome thing to ever be done.
27. Aiming for things that are really, not that useful. Pen license. The fact that I used to think it was illegal to write with a pen otherwise.
28. However I acted seemed to be the standard of maturity, and nobody expected otherwise of me.
29. Made up playground games.
30. The friendliest adults. Namely, the cleaner and the lollypop lady.

Big man. On campus.

Money

After a meaningful chat with a very good friend of mine, a lot of thoughts and questions were raised for me, about how this society and I live our lives. I want to reiterate one of my 40-day improvement plan challenges. The money one. I think it seems like I would find it hard to spend less than $30 a day. This is wrong. I spend almost nothing everyday, and if I do, it rarely exceeds $10.

I feel bad if I spend lots of money on material things like clothes. I don't spend much on other things, like alcohol or extra food, because it's such a waste. I can live without those things. True, if I do spend money, it probably is on food, but not to the point of excessiveness. Which sounds like a justification. And probably is.

The money challenge isn't so much to curb my spending, but to highlight how easy it would be for me live without spending much at all. At least, in this life I lead at the moment, where a lot of stuff is taken care of for me by my parents, and I have no need to worry about survival, I can respect that and not waste what I have.

I always felt bad, going to a private school. Part of the reason I started Africa Aid was because I saw the ability and potential - in energy and financially - of the people there, and knew a lot of it was being wasted. If you compared the amount the boys put into the cafeteria each day, compared to the aid stuff at school... it makes me sick. I didn't want to force people to care, nor to just give their money and not bother knowing why. Just I didn't want a shameless material consumerist attitude to be the dominant one. (I feel very uni student after writing that.)

It's the same in the church. There are plenty of people who spend ridiculous amounts on lots of things. Clothes. Hair. Travel. Going out. I have nothing against all of these things. Indeed, I spend money on these things too, just I try to be conscious of how much I spend, and how often. I don't quite understand what Church of Christ means. I know a big part of it is being missional, going out into the community and giving of self. I think that money does not have to be the complete giving, nor should it, but I think it has its place too. But it gets wasted on other things, or just absent mindedly forgotten that an offering is important. That said... I need to lift my game on offering too.

The attitude that money, while not the meaning behind life, or means to a better life - in quality not quantity, still comes with important decisions and morals is something we are trying to show to the Garage boys. Jono prepared a simulation for them a few weeks ago - the Game of Life. The boys were put in families, and had to deal with the everyday battles of families - housing, food, medical, insurance, etc. - as well as forces of nature and unexpected happenings of life. Each family started off with different amounts of money, to simulate how it is in this world. The boys understood I think - one mum told me that her sons went home and made boxes, so that they could purposely set aside money each week to give to something more meaningful than their cafeteria. That made me feel like the Garage was a worthwhile thing.

Anyway. This is it for now. I shall write more later. I guess that the only thing that will challenge me about the money 40 days thing is if I see something I want - due to greed and want for possession, not need - and then can't buy it. But I will get over it.

Visual

Happy Easter to everybody. I'm posting fasting than my few readers are reading, but I can't stop myself. Besides, I promised myself I'd try and blog almost every day.

This is a picture taken by the talented Ms. Hannah Scott. Christianity-themed I feel. Tis pretty cool.


Also, Aerobics starts again tonight. Hopefully another successful year in the Donny streak, but I wouldn't care that much if it wasn't. It's just a bit of fun, and exercise. This may be my last one, so I'm hoping we'll be able to do some cool stuff. Jono and I have been practising.

Revelation

It's Easter, and once again, I find myself fairly apathetic and empty as to my feelings on Christianity. On arguably the greatest holiday in Christian tradition, I feel no different than I do all year round. This could be seen as a good thing - as if I'm immersed in the faith always - but it's not. Because I'm not always into my faith.

I felt this way last year, but then just when Easter was almost over, I had a revelation. This is what I wrote on my old blog:

It's really late. I should be in bed. But I just watched 'The Passion of the Christ' and I felt like writing.

This Easter, I haven't really been thinking a lot about Jesus, or the story of Easter. I was thinking earlier on Easter Sunday... "Does it make me a bad person because I am not excited about Easter?" I started thinking that maybe it's not right to just really remember and celebrate on Easter and Christmas, because that's not what the message is about. It is about a life devoted to Christ, not two days. Even sitting in church, I did not feel overwhelmed as I have at other times. It is not until now that I feel it.

It was actually a whole lot of other stuff that has got me really focused right now. First off, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in a week and a half, and it is a reminder to me of the things I have been given - things that I never did anything to deserve. Why is it I am where I am, and not an orphaned child in a Third World country with one of many available diseases? Is it luck? Is it by chance that I did not end up there, but in a well-off house in Australia - what we would call 'middle-class' - but would be like royalty to the Third World? I don't believe that I could be so lucky. This is what has got me excited.

Secondly, in 'The Passion of the Christ' it was not the extremity of the depiction of Jesus' suffering - the screams, the jeering, the blood, the nails, the hammers - that was not what reminded me what I believe. I will never know the true pain that Jesus felt, and I might almost say that I could not understand how much he suffered for me. I can worship and I can pray and I can go to church on Sundays and call myself a Christian child, but I will not know completely how great a sacrifice He made. Being a Christian isn't about knowing. It's about believing - about having faith. It's about giving yourself to something that you honestly believe in - and from a spectator's angle, that must sound so stupid - because I can't prove it, I can't make you believe it, I can only share with you what I feel. No, it was not the pain that hit me from the movie. Along his journey to Golgotha, the place of the crucifixion, a dude named Simon from Cyrene carried the cross for Jesus. He didn't really want to, he was just passing by. But he made sure that he told the crowd and the guards, "Hear me now. I am an innocent man carrying the burden for a condemned man..." And then it hit me. It's really the other way round. What did Jesus do really? He broke a few rules, and who can ever say they haven't? But He was not deserving of such a death - the death reserved for the lowest of lowly criminals - yet He choose to take the road, to 'carry the burden' for us condemned ones. This is what has got me excited.

I am where I am today because of a lot of things - my parents, my school, my friends, the social environment I live in, this country, the economy, etc. - but I am not completely the person I am today because of these things. I do the things I do, think the way I think, I live the way I live... all because there is something else influencing me. I don't need proof. I don't need facts. I don't need evidence. I have experienced the impact that God can have on people, and it is an awesome one. Even if He didn't exist, who could discredit the great things people have done because they believe? This is what has got me excited. I have been welcomed into something that is far greater than everyday life. I have been saved. We have been saved. Happy Easter.

I wish I had this much passion all the time. I felt so convinced, so convicted, so enlightened when I wrote that. I wish it was a constant feeling. Truth is, I'll always question my faith, I'll always argue and struggle with it, I can't expect to always have these revelations - because that would be like having a faith based on expected miracles. I guess if I want to have revelations and have my eyes open, I have to be actively searching.

I want to feel as excited and energised about Easter as others, but I can't just force myself to be, or act it. However, for now... I still haven't found what I'm looking for. But I'm not done looking just yet.

Re-Lentness

So my Lent challenge is over. All in all, I really enjoyed it - pushing myself and seeing changes was good. I took a photo of before and after, and I can see differences, but I am still undecided as to whether I should post them, so for now... they shall remain in my files and not on your screen.

As written before, I will take up other challenges every 40 days. I still plan to keep up the 100 pushups/situps a day but for these 40 days I am:

• Maintaining a clean room. This seems pretty weak for a challenge, but my room is disgusting, and always has been. It's going to take a week to clean it up, and will be hard to keep it that way. But it's still a positive difference, at least in my life.
• Not spending more than $30 in a day. I know Digger did no spending at all, but I'm not committing to that just yet. I cannot spend money on any indulgences - eg unnecessary food, clothes, stuff. I may spend in an emergency, or if it is completely for someone else and not for my own gain. I think I can handle this one ok.
• Finally, copying from last night's episode of My Name Is Earl, I am going to set aside 5 minutes a day to consciously do something for the environment. Whether that's walk around uni and pick up trash, or sort out recycling stuff at home, or be conscious to turn off electricity, shorter showers, half flushing etc., I think this is a good thing for me to do. It's not going to fix the ozone layer, but at least it's better than me doing nothing.

Justice

So. By coincidence, I ended up watching V for Vendetta today. It's such a great movie, and provides so many questions and thoughts. V is a person seemingly fighting for an ideal of justice and freedom from oppression and tyranny... but he can be seen at times to be fighting merely for his own revenge on those who made him what he is. Like many things, V has an ideal - something that looks great in it's purity - but he has changed it in a sense. V's justice becomes almost equal to the violence and ruthlessness of those he seeks justice from.

I think that violence is not the only or greatest answer, but can be used to bring about justice. Whether or not it is one's right to take justice on behalf of others, I'm not sure, and if it is taking justice for your own revenge motives, I'm not sure. This stuff confuses me. I think it also matters how much force you use, how many are caught in your vengeance, etc.

Anyway. I probably need to watch it a million more times to understand it better. There are plenty of quotes that really caught my mind, this is one that I found:

V's mirror had a Latin inscription reading: "Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici". This means, "By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe."

300

Went to Melbourne Central today with K. First playdate in a while, which was good, because it's been a struggle not finding proper time to set aside for that. We saw 300 in Gold Class... pretty much disappeared into the giant chair. You could probably have sat a family in one of the seats.

300 was pretty good, very graphic movie. I've heard rumours about it being racist, bias, etc. Which it could be. See, the movie is about a group of 300 Spartan warriors versus the might of the Xerxian Persian Empire. However, the Spartans are pure bred warriors - noble, strong, brave. The Persians have mutants, lesbians, their leader is dressed pretty scary transvestite-esque. And they're the bad guys. So I can understand that.

Anyway, I prefered to focus on the obvious value points of the movie - honour, glory, nobility, freedom, fighting for your beliefs. Although, this fighting was with violence, which maybe I don't see a problem with sometimes... don't abuse me on that. I still haven't figured out what I believe there. I believe in Jesus, and I don't know if he thought violence was ever appropriate. Although, God did choose people to lead his people in battle.. mostly in Old Testament though. I have never been sure of the righteousness of violence, and if it's appropriate ever.

All in all, 300 was a good movie, but maybe there might have been more focus on themes and ideas, rather than a bit of that and a lot of violence. One of my favourites, V for Vendetta, managed to have violence and lots of thought-provoking stuff. But still. Go see 300. Next on my list is... TMNT (which has been getting like 2 stars). And Mr Bean. Maybe with the Garage boys.

Tetris

I've been writing lots of poetry lately. Some for people, some for myself. Some at random moments. This is one of those ones. If you've never done speed writing, it's cool. Just come up with a topic, and write something down as quick as you can. This took me three minutes, and I wrote it to distract myself from a German assignment.

I should just quit uni and start writing for a living I think. Maybe give me some other abstract things to write about/keep me amused.